still figuring me out

I like to soul search but only in certain areas. I don’t like the uncomfortable, awkward soul searching probably because I want to see myself the way I perceive others to see me. I am shallow to an extent because it’s easier. There isn’t as much pain and that way I don’t have to think about the terrible sins I’ve committed. I don’t have to think about the way I’ve selfishly treated my family, friends, ex-boyfriends, or whoever because I haven’t given a thought to it. On Grey's Anatomy, Christina and Meredith call each other "their person." I thought, could I ever be so close to someone and tell them, "you're my person?" I couldn’t. I can’t. I am so guarded from being hurt that I just don’t open up. I hate that fact about me but it’s true and it’s selfish. What a terrible, horrible, very bad thing. I've been reading Mere Christianity and love the style in which it's written. It's an easy read but so very powerful. The chapter "Let's Pretend," has really shown me a way to break down my barriers. C.S. Lewis says, "To put it bluntly, you are dressing up as Christ. If you like, you are pretending. Because, of course, the moment you realize what the words mean, you realize you are not a son of God. You are not being like the Son of God, whose will and interest are at one with those of the Father: you are a bundle of self-centered fears, hopes, greeds, jealousies, and dressing up as Christ is a piece of outrageous cheek. But the odd things is that He has ordered us to do it." What encouragment! He talks about putting on a mask but it's not a barrier of any sort. I don't have to break down my walls, He will do it for me. God, He's pretty excellent at what He does.